She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
