I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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