Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
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did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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