Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Liz is crying about burritos again.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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