Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
