I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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