A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
