Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
