You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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