rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
