ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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