Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
