I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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