You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
where does the pee come out of this thing
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
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