If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize