It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
