I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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