all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
