Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
