Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I will pee on everything he values.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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