You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
