I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I have post one night stand depression
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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