His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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