im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
