Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Pants are for mortals
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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