If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
