My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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