there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
