Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
