it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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