ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
