my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
