party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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