My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
