Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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