two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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