I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
