I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
