But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
