My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize