The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
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The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
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Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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