i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
