Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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