Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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