i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
