Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
