he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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