I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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