the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
