My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
