I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
you made out with another girl for some wings
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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