i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
