I want to walk on stilts...naked
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
