mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
