My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
