this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
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I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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