If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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